give me one reason to stay here and i'll turn right back around

You are slowly sucking the soul out of me. I’ve begun thinking up ways to make packing my things easier. I’ve begun leaving things packed, leaving boxes in my trunk to make the next move the easiest. The next one will be the last. The next time I walk out of this house with my belongings I am walking out of this relationship and out of your life. I feel like I’m fighting a battle on both of our behalves, but I’m doing it alone. If everything were flipped I would be on my knees begging you not to go willing to do anything to not see you walk away. You helped me to the car. You have completely lied to my face about things that were most important to me. Thanks for throwing one tiny thing of hers away after I begged you more times than I can remember. Also, thanks for letting me know where she works because as if seeing everything in your house with her name on it weren’t enough now I understand 80% of the shit in your bathroom. It’s one thing that this is your house so you choose to surround yourself with her, but what about OUR place? I refuse to watch you hoard all of her shit in OUR home. I may be strong enough to stay here after being almost completely positive you’ve cheated on me. I may be able to stay after all the pictures you still have saved and still look at. I may be able to sleep in the same bed that she has undoubtedly been in in the same room that you keep your box of memories of her, but I am not strong enough to start in a brand new place with you and still see her everyday. If any part of you wants us to last you need to get this shit straightened up or just get real and honest with yourself and let me go.

i won't wait here anymore.

Every bone in my body is screaming that something is rotten in Denmark. And if every single bone in my body were to be wrong then what use would I have for such a thing. It has never steered me so wrong in the past so I have no reason to doubt it now. I am done with several things as of now. The first, I am done questioning what I can do to be a better girlfriend. I am done spending so much time trying to come up with things to do to make you feel like I’m the best. Do you ever have the slightest desire to prove the same to me? No. Never. In fact, as far as 'just thinking about/loving you' acts go they are few and far between. Ok, they are virtually non-existent. It’s clear you’ll never feel i am the best for you and that is unfair to us both because I know tons of guys who would think I was the best and there’s obviously certain girls that you would feel the same about. The next thing I am done with is the delusion that I was playing for keeps. Just because I have made massive steps with you that I wouldn’t have dreamt of taking for or with anyone else doesn’t mean they are the last. I am beginning to believe that maybe this is just some warm up for someone who will treat me like a prized possession instead of some common place thing that just happens to be around. Myspace has asked me who I wanted to meet and I have had the same answer for quite some time, but tonight I am inspired to change it. Who would I like to meet? I would like to meet someone who loves me. I would like to meet someone who has come to terms with their past. I would like to meet someone who never lets me walk away whether it be physically or emotionally. I would like to meet someone who looks at me and thinks they wouldn’t have it any other way. I want to meet someone who can be honest with me about anything, someone who is open with me about who they are and where they have been; someone who has plans for the future with intentions to make those plans happen, someone who can't fall asleep if i'm in the next room upset, someone I can be with that doesn’t make me feel so alone. I'm tired of drowning. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of being powerless in my own life. I'm tired of all the backlash that comes with attempting to incorporate my life with that of another's. i thought one of the biggest things i had learned from this was how to not be selfish. i guess i just did everything opposite of what you did for that one.

I love you, and I know better than most that that love is mine yet i find myself repeating now more than ever it’s what you love that makes you who you are lacie, not what loves you back but I think it’s just ingrained in us as humans to want, or better yet to need to be loved. Then to add to it when you love someone so much that you’re sometimes not sure your heart can handle it and you know that their love is seemingly nowhere near that level it’s almost like not being loved at all. I don’t know if that’s a fair statement. I don’t know if this makes sense to anyone else. I doubt i care. I’m finding maybe there has been a bigger reason I have avoided letting myself get so deep. My problem was always having someone love me too much. I had never experienced being on the other side of it. It’s terrifying and it’s an impossible situation that’s really no one’s fault.

Today,

i hope it really hit you

that i don't really miss you

and i've found a new beginning.

you wish you had one more chance

but we both know it's too late for that

--oh gary allan, finding the perfect words to say..

[also, not even going to lie, felt pretty good to make you feel like the weak one for once without even having to try.]

I only know that I am better where you are

I’ve wanted to write for a while now. I have made attempts, but had difficulties getting my thoughts in order. Story of my life…always so unsure of myself, unsure of my future, unsure of my decisions.

Then you came along and became the thing I was most sure of. I could have made a list on new years of everything I wanted in a boyfriend and I can make a list now of everything you are to me and they would be spitting images of each other. You are everything I have wanted. You are just what I needed. Without even trying you have managed to bring out in me things that no one else has. You have given me a comfort that I had never been capable of feeling. I have never felt that I needed anyone else to be fulfilled, but when you pulled me to the surface I realized how much deeper I could breathe.

I want to know everything about you. I want to listen to your stories and learn about all the things that made you who you are. I want to know all your hopes and dreams. I want to combine them with my own and together make them a reality.

I want to be the most amazing girlfriend to you because that is what you deserve. I want to go on more adventures with you, I want to lend my support to you when needed, I want to have full trust and faith in you, and I just want to love you. I enjoy every minute I spend with you no matter what we are doing and I miss you terribly when I am away from you. Our situation is not ideal, but it is far from impossible and I think we are doing a fairly good job so far. The sacrifices are worth it to me. You are worth it to me.

“You make every day feel like kindergarten.”

In other news:

Today I did my graduation audit to further confirm that I am, in fact, only 3 classes away from possessing a bachelor’s degree. It’s so fucking scary. I’m scared of the real world. I’m scared of my plans not coming together [which has been a reoccurring theme in my life]. I’m scared of making poor decisions that would ultimately cause me to fall on my face.

I cry a lot lately. I cry at the sight, sound, smell, taste, or touch of just about anything. I’m crying right now in short spurts. I highly considered buying some st. john’s wort at whole foods the other day, but, aside from not having much money, I don’t feel depressed. I feel overwhelmed, stressed, unmotivated, and panicky, but not sad. I desperately hope that closing the book on my 4^th year of college will help subside some of these feelings

dear 2009, i didn't dodge all your bullets i just denied that they hit me

I've been growing up right before my very eyes. I've spent so much time swimming with the sharks; the only way to escape being to allow the waves to take me down, to drown me, the salty water filling my lungs. The end was always like a godsend, the salt water burning, healing my wounds. Well I no longer have time for such nonsense. I no longer have the energy to put myself in such predicaments. Things are changing. They have to.

2009
A lot of things changed, too many stayed the same. small number of new friends, large number of lessons learned. a lot of what i had set my mind on doing got done. overall, you weren't so bad to me. you did, however, stab me in the heart at just the moment when i thought i was going to make it out unscathed. thanks for that.

2010 resolutions
1. to try my damnedest to forget you ever existed. i mean that in the most loving way possible and the only reason i'm able to sleep at night is because i know you know that. it's been nearly 1 year and 13 months and i've learned so much in your absence.
2. find myself a good man (i don't care how stupid this sounds. i think it's time)
3. to not be living here by this time next year


[title credit: Flatsound]

If you ever want some trouble, but can't afford the alcohol, I'll be here waiting

I breathe you in as though you’re some rare find. I want to inhale you and have my lungs contain you and nothing more. But it’s suicide and I know it. It’s suicide, and we both know it. I want nothing but peaceful skies, fields of fucking flowers, and sheer happiness running through your veins and you want nothing more than to make it from day to day still on top. You never want to feel an ounce of vulnerability. You never want to lose your control. You never want to feel anything except victory and satisfaction. And for that I am sorry. Because you make me feel as though i am drowning in vulnerability, you make the best attempts I’ve seen at taking away my control, you make me feel like a failure, and you make my breathing come to a standstill. Can we say recipe for explosion? I hate the way I can feel you in my bones, but sometimes I like the games you play. Let it continue because I always know your next move.