If I seem to be reckless with myself, it’s the fault of no one

I knew before my head had even hit the pillow last night that I wouldn't be ready to open my eyes come morning. So I shut them really tightly and pleaded with the sun to just give me more time. Instead it came up with vengeance. It pulled up the shade, threw off my covers, and singed me to the core with the harsh reality it brought with it. Then, after patiently waiting as I made bleak attempts to compose myself, it consumed me whole. It told me I was a fuck up with my priorities in all the wrong places. Then it gave me a tissue and said "chin up darling, learn your lessons."
I'm in unfamiliar territory with the road signs all pointing in different directions, but all ultimately ending up in one fantasy destination that seems light years away. I'm so tired of walking: alone, confused, fists clenched from anger, scared out of my mother fucking mind.
I don't want to be a failure. I don't want to ever fail anyone the way I myself have been failed numerous times. In particular, I don't want to fail you.