give me one reason to stay here and i'll turn right back around

You are slowly sucking the soul out of me. I’ve begun thinking up ways to make packing my things easier. I’ve begun leaving things packed, leaving boxes in my trunk to make the next move the easiest. The next one will be the last. The next time I walk out of this house with my belongings I am walking out of this relationship and out of your life. I feel like I’m fighting a battle on both of our behalves, but I’m doing it alone. If everything were flipped I would be on my knees begging you not to go willing to do anything to not see you walk away. You helped me to the car. You have completely lied to my face about things that were most important to me. Thanks for throwing one tiny thing of hers away after I begged you more times than I can remember. Also, thanks for letting me know where she works because as if seeing everything in your house with her name on it weren’t enough now I understand 80% of the shit in your bathroom. It’s one thing that this is your house so you choose to surround yourself with her, but what about OUR place? I refuse to watch you hoard all of her shit in OUR home. I may be strong enough to stay here after being almost completely positive you’ve cheated on me. I may be able to stay after all the pictures you still have saved and still look at. I may be able to sleep in the same bed that she has undoubtedly been in in the same room that you keep your box of memories of her, but I am not strong enough to start in a brand new place with you and still see her everyday. If any part of you wants us to last you need to get this shit straightened up or just get real and honest with yourself and let me go.

i won't wait here anymore.

Every bone in my body is screaming that something is rotten in Denmark. And if every single bone in my body were to be wrong then what use would I have for such a thing. It has never steered me so wrong in the past so I have no reason to doubt it now. I am done with several things as of now. The first, I am done questioning what I can do to be a better girlfriend. I am done spending so much time trying to come up with things to do to make you feel like I’m the best. Do you ever have the slightest desire to prove the same to me? No. Never. In fact, as far as 'just thinking about/loving you' acts go they are few and far between. Ok, they are virtually non-existent. It’s clear you’ll never feel i am the best for you and that is unfair to us both because I know tons of guys who would think I was the best and there’s obviously certain girls that you would feel the same about. The next thing I am done with is the delusion that I was playing for keeps. Just because I have made massive steps with you that I wouldn’t have dreamt of taking for or with anyone else doesn’t mean they are the last. I am beginning to believe that maybe this is just some warm up for someone who will treat me like a prized possession instead of some common place thing that just happens to be around. Myspace has asked me who I wanted to meet and I have had the same answer for quite some time, but tonight I am inspired to change it. Who would I like to meet? I would like to meet someone who loves me. I would like to meet someone who has come to terms with their past. I would like to meet someone who never lets me walk away whether it be physically or emotionally. I would like to meet someone who looks at me and thinks they wouldn’t have it any other way. I want to meet someone who can be honest with me about anything, someone who is open with me about who they are and where they have been; someone who has plans for the future with intentions to make those plans happen, someone who can't fall asleep if i'm in the next room upset, someone I can be with that doesn’t make me feel so alone. I'm tired of drowning. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of being powerless in my own life. I'm tired of all the backlash that comes with attempting to incorporate my life with that of another's. i thought one of the biggest things i had learned from this was how to not be selfish. i guess i just did everything opposite of what you did for that one.

I love you, and I know better than most that that love is mine yet i find myself repeating now more than ever it’s what you love that makes you who you are lacie, not what loves you back but I think it’s just ingrained in us as humans to want, or better yet to need to be loved. Then to add to it when you love someone so much that you’re sometimes not sure your heart can handle it and you know that their love is seemingly nowhere near that level it’s almost like not being loved at all. I don’t know if that’s a fair statement. I don’t know if this makes sense to anyone else. I doubt i care. I’m finding maybe there has been a bigger reason I have avoided letting myself get so deep. My problem was always having someone love me too much. I had never experienced being on the other side of it. It’s terrifying and it’s an impossible situation that’s really no one’s fault.