dear 2009, i didn't dodge all your bullets i just denied that they hit me

I've been growing up right before my very eyes. I've spent so much time swimming with the sharks; the only way to escape being to allow the waves to take me down, to drown me, the salty water filling my lungs. The end was always like a godsend, the salt water burning, healing my wounds. Well I no longer have time for such nonsense. I no longer have the energy to put myself in such predicaments. Things are changing. They have to.

2009
A lot of things changed, too many stayed the same. small number of new friends, large number of lessons learned. a lot of what i had set my mind on doing got done. overall, you weren't so bad to me. you did, however, stab me in the heart at just the moment when i thought i was going to make it out unscathed. thanks for that.

2010 resolutions
1. to try my damnedest to forget you ever existed. i mean that in the most loving way possible and the only reason i'm able to sleep at night is because i know you know that. it's been nearly 1 year and 13 months and i've learned so much in your absence.
2. find myself a good man (i don't care how stupid this sounds. i think it's time)
3. to not be living here by this time next year


[title credit: Flatsound]

If you ever want some trouble, but can't afford the alcohol, I'll be here waiting

I breathe you in as though you’re some rare find. I want to inhale you and have my lungs contain you and nothing more. But it’s suicide and I know it. It’s suicide, and we both know it. I want nothing but peaceful skies, fields of fucking flowers, and sheer happiness running through your veins and you want nothing more than to make it from day to day still on top. You never want to feel an ounce of vulnerability. You never want to lose your control. You never want to feel anything except victory and satisfaction. And for that I am sorry. Because you make me feel as though i am drowning in vulnerability, you make the best attempts I’ve seen at taking away my control, you make me feel like a failure, and you make my breathing come to a standstill. Can we say recipe for explosion? I hate the way I can feel you in my bones, but sometimes I like the games you play. Let it continue because I always know your next move.

I need some meaning I can memorize

Everything is so cluttered. Things that I've decided I no longer wanted to use, no longer wanted to toy with. I put them all in a toy chest deep within a poorly lit corner of my heart. Instead of discarding these items, they've ultimately just began to pile up on me. The toy chest has busted open. It's contents, scattered. The room, so full I can feel it pushing against the walls of my heart. It's as if I'm afraid to throw them away, of having them end up in some waste land. I want to have a garage sale so that I can approve of what is taking them away. Knowing they will take good care of them. Knowing where to call if I ever want them back. Although I may never need them back. I might be just fine having them gone. Gone for good. Incapable of ever pushing their way into my pile again.
Why am I such a compulsive hoarder?

I was wasting my time, for a love that never comes, from someone who does not exist

Your kind of love, baby, is poison in my veins;
flowing through my head,
through my heart,
through every hope i've had.
Every hope for change,
for happiness,
for truth.

You are poisoning me.
You are poisoning me.
You are poison to me.

my burning soul and the only one who satisfies it

I can rationalize the shit out of a paper bag. Anything and everything in my life. I can rationalize all the moves I make, as well as, all the moves I choose not to make. But you, and your absence from my life, is something that I cannot rationalize. It's something that I cannot find much reason for. The idea is ridiculous and borderline insane in my mind. It doesn't make sense to me. It doesn't feel right to me. You feel right to me, in a way that nothing else does. And I go from day to day alternating between wishing I had never met you to thanking some god I don't even believe in that I did. But none of it matters, because you are just a ghost in the hollows of all my dark mistakes. You are just a ghost. Everyday you are fading further into the abyss. Everyday you drift further out of my reach. Everyday the harsh reality of this cuts like a blade through my ventricles. And with all the blood loss, and the subsidence of the beating of my heart, running after your ghost has become nearly more than I can handle. Just know, it was always going to be you.

6 billion people OR who I'd reeeeally like to meet OR the science of selling myself short

The title possibilities for this one were seemingly endless. The content has been running through my mind, through my bones, for a week now. For some unknown reason I couldn't bring myself to write it out. Hell I still don't know if I'll be able to. Fuck it. I can't. Or i guess I can, but I'm going to choose not to. I'm going to choose not to put myself through the process of once again sifting through the list of traits that I will continuously settle for doing without. I'm not in some fairytale land. This is the real world. The real world is ignorant. The real world will never understand me when I speak to it. The real world will mistreat me. The real world will never know what it wants. The real world will never take responsibility for its actions. The real world will always be in the palms of my hands. My hands will always hand out chance after chance to the real world. Those very same hands will ultimately toss that world into the trash because if this is the real world and if this is all I have then I would much rather have nothing. I am not in it for some second rate happiness. I am not a settler. I am not a cop-out. I am stronger than most. I am not alone. My loneliness is something I choose for myself daily. I am admitting it, but it is only because it seems better than surrounding myself with such carelessness.

I need a cool shower.
I need a warm glass of tequila.
I need sufjan stevens' angelic voice.
I need apathy.

Its summertime and the living hasn’t gotten any easier

Lately, my heart is literally beating faster than I ever knew possible. And lately, bridges around me have been crashing faster and harder than I ever could have imagined. And me...I'm just standing by the wayside, my mixed feelings in tow, trying to catch my breath, while pleading with someone, anyone to assure me that all the choices I've made are right. That these are the choices that will lead me to my goals, to my happiness. I'm just trying to believe that the really good things aren't suppose to be easy to let go and also that just because something is good doesn't always make it the right thing. Here I go again, just trying to make any excuse, any rationalization to comfort myself. I want to believe that I'm right about everything that I do or have done, but the nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach right now is screaming that I've been very wrong on more than one occasion. I'm so tired of fucking shit up. I'm so tired of regret. I'm so tired of talking about all these goddamn changes and not doing anything about it.

You are what you love, not what loves you back

What I wouldn't give to make a quick, clean getaway right now...
I am far too weak to handle any of the things life has thrown at me lately.
I always want to just sleep right through all the tough parts and wake when things have settled.
For one of the few times in my life, I am admittedly being 100% selfish. I'm taking as much control as I can capture of this life because I'm fed up with it running me. I'm fed up with regrets. I'm fed up with these thoughts that keep me awake at night. I'm not trying to wake up from this dream. I'd much rather wake up to one.

I was blind before I met you

Tonight was a night that I never could have so much as dreamed up in my mind. Every minute or so I remind myself, "Lacie. Breathe. Lacie. Breathe. Seriously. You're going to have to breathe." Something that has basically been a part of my daily thoughts for the last year has been brought to the surface again. I've rehearsed things in my mind to say, all the while thinking I'd never get the chance to say even half of it. The words pushed their way through my quivering lips. My mind knowing those words would change very little. My heart hoping with everything it has that they would.

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. The only way out is by dynamite. The trigger is in your hands. Stop letting life happen to you. Take responsibility for your actions, your life, your happiness.
I love you.
I miss you.
Too much.

oh that gal can ramble

Today I came to realize that the ground beneath my tiny size 5 and a halves seems to have far greater of an impact on me than I can ever have on it...and I'm completely okay with this. Because if every place I walk continues to leave it's mark on me, and if even half of my dreams come true then I can't wait to see the person I'll become.
I'm constantly allowing for change, allowing for the things around me to shape who I am, who I'm becoming. The day I stop allowing for changes in myself will be the day I die. The problem is I'm such a mess it's hard to tell where to start. And I've continued to isolate myself lately. In my thoughts, in my adventures. The people who surround me just make me feel I'm better off with my fists clenched tightly, huddled low in the corner of my room waiting for the next sneak attack than out in the open with little to no armor to protect me from the constant flow of deceit-filled arrows plunging towards me.
I'm looking for something tangible. something true.
I'm looking to find out if this actually exists somewhere out there.
I need to know it exists.

these waves come crashing harder every night

Dear girl,
Despite your constantly clenched, anger-filled fists, it's a guarantee that this town will kill you long before you will ever kill it. These puppet-like people who reside around you will never be for you and you will never be good enough for them. Stop attempting to settle. Stop the lies you tell yourself. Stop putting yourself through the bullshit. Suck it up. Get through it as quickly and as clean as possible. The world awaits you, and we can't have you going out into it as some frail little child. Hold yourself together.

mistakes i knew i was making

I think that experience simply being a name we give our mistakes is all too true. Although, truth be told, I suppose I've gone looking for a little more experience today. The last time was the last time? HA. sure. Maybe I'm beating a dead horse, but even when I get just an inkling that the horse might not be dead I insist on beating it once again for reassurance. I'm nothing more than a wishful thinker with unreal intentions. I'm strapping in for this one early. When the ride starts I'm afraid it'll never stop or, worse, just derail. Either way I'm in for quite the experience.

I wake up here everyday in this god damn place I won't wait here anymore

I had no idea...I had no idea that within these tiny little fists this much hate still existed for this town. I mean, i knew i hated it. I knew I mistrusted it. Hell, i still knew how capable it was of killing me, but i thought for sure i had it under control. I thought i had learned to accept it for the fucked upness that it is in all of its glory. I thought i was making my greatest attempt to 'make the best of it'. I failed. I failed myself for sure, because how could I ever think i could cover up all of the emotions this entailed. At what point did I ever think I'd be able to just accept all of the ignorance? All of the stagnation? The up side is I believe I've finally been able to make a decision that I've been toying with...summer school can go fuck itself! I need my summer to make money. I need my summer to make a getaway. For a girl who's as faithless as they come, I sure could use a savior right about now.

Tear down the house that I grew up in. I'll never be the same again.

I'm currently completely obsessed with this band and even more with this song.

I don’t want to dream if it won’t come true

There's this little girl I've been looking everywhere for. There was a time when I could still feel her inside of me, but somewhere along the way one of us strayed away. I just long for even a glisten of that girl to flow through my veins once again. The love she had for the world, just because. The hope she had for herself. The dreams that reached the stars. She was replaced with a girl who's been forced to prepare her lies before meeting any new face. A girl who has learned that hopes and dreams only equal disappointment and sadness. A girl of anger and constantly clenched fists. A girl with a pit of regret deeper than the sea.
There are times when nothing seems familiar to me. Every face looks like that of a stranger and this town like some foreign country. I hear myself speaking, but the voice is rarely my own. Most days I just want to pack it all up and go looking for myself or at the very least some cure for this selective amnesia.
I just want to find that little girl. I just want to trade all of this anger for a little love. I just want to live and enjoy it.

Well, when one's lost, I suppose it's good advice to stay where you are until someone finds you, but who'd ever think to look for me here?

Don’t let it get you down, now is not the time

I don't breathe much lately. I literally find myself almost snapping back into some sort of consciousness and feeling as though I have been holding my breath for the prior two minutes. Sleep, on the other hand, has unexpectedly been coming around easier. I can only guess that the echoes inside my empty chest cavity make for something of a lullaby. Everything that has happened to me in the last two-three weeks has just been too overwhelming for words. Everyday I learn more and more about time. How fast it moves. How little of it I have. How little time I make for the small, handful of people who really care about me.
I'm sorry that lately I have been selfish, naive, and scared. I've expected far too much from myself. I've felt uneasy in my skin as though its squeezing my insides far too tightly, but I've been doing my damnedest to keep the control.
I guess my point is hard to explain. Some days I'm ridiculously proud of myself for who I'm becoming. I figure if I don't give myself credit who in the hell will. Then other days I feel so sad about where I am and where I seem to be going. I just want something new. I just want something that makes me feel alive. Is that just a bit too much?