oh that gal can ramble

Today I came to realize that the ground beneath my tiny size 5 and a halves seems to have far greater of an impact on me than I can ever have on it...and I'm completely okay with this. Because if every place I walk continues to leave it's mark on me, and if even half of my dreams come true then I can't wait to see the person I'll become.
I'm constantly allowing for change, allowing for the things around me to shape who I am, who I'm becoming. The day I stop allowing for changes in myself will be the day I die. The problem is I'm such a mess it's hard to tell where to start. And I've continued to isolate myself lately. In my thoughts, in my adventures. The people who surround me just make me feel I'm better off with my fists clenched tightly, huddled low in the corner of my room waiting for the next sneak attack than out in the open with little to no armor to protect me from the constant flow of deceit-filled arrows plunging towards me.
I'm looking for something tangible. something true.
I'm looking to find out if this actually exists somewhere out there.
I need to know it exists.

these waves come crashing harder every night

Dear girl,
Despite your constantly clenched, anger-filled fists, it's a guarantee that this town will kill you long before you will ever kill it. These puppet-like people who reside around you will never be for you and you will never be good enough for them. Stop attempting to settle. Stop the lies you tell yourself. Stop putting yourself through the bullshit. Suck it up. Get through it as quickly and as clean as possible. The world awaits you, and we can't have you going out into it as some frail little child. Hold yourself together.

mistakes i knew i was making

I think that experience simply being a name we give our mistakes is all too true. Although, truth be told, I suppose I've gone looking for a little more experience today. The last time was the last time? HA. sure. Maybe I'm beating a dead horse, but even when I get just an inkling that the horse might not be dead I insist on beating it once again for reassurance. I'm nothing more than a wishful thinker with unreal intentions. I'm strapping in for this one early. When the ride starts I'm afraid it'll never stop or, worse, just derail. Either way I'm in for quite the experience.

I wake up here everyday in this god damn place I won't wait here anymore

I had no idea...I had no idea that within these tiny little fists this much hate still existed for this town. I mean, i knew i hated it. I knew I mistrusted it. Hell, i still knew how capable it was of killing me, but i thought for sure i had it under control. I thought i had learned to accept it for the fucked upness that it is in all of its glory. I thought i was making my greatest attempt to 'make the best of it'. I failed. I failed myself for sure, because how could I ever think i could cover up all of the emotions this entailed. At what point did I ever think I'd be able to just accept all of the ignorance? All of the stagnation? The up side is I believe I've finally been able to make a decision that I've been toying with...summer school can go fuck itself! I need my summer to make money. I need my summer to make a getaway. For a girl who's as faithless as they come, I sure could use a savior right about now.

Tear down the house that I grew up in. I'll never be the same again.

I'm currently completely obsessed with this band and even more with this song.

I don’t want to dream if it won’t come true

There's this little girl I've been looking everywhere for. There was a time when I could still feel her inside of me, but somewhere along the way one of us strayed away. I just long for even a glisten of that girl to flow through my veins once again. The love she had for the world, just because. The hope she had for herself. The dreams that reached the stars. She was replaced with a girl who's been forced to prepare her lies before meeting any new face. A girl who has learned that hopes and dreams only equal disappointment and sadness. A girl of anger and constantly clenched fists. A girl with a pit of regret deeper than the sea.
There are times when nothing seems familiar to me. Every face looks like that of a stranger and this town like some foreign country. I hear myself speaking, but the voice is rarely my own. Most days I just want to pack it all up and go looking for myself or at the very least some cure for this selective amnesia.
I just want to find that little girl. I just want to trade all of this anger for a little love. I just want to live and enjoy it.

Well, when one's lost, I suppose it's good advice to stay where you are until someone finds you, but who'd ever think to look for me here?

Don’t let it get you down, now is not the time

I don't breathe much lately. I literally find myself almost snapping back into some sort of consciousness and feeling as though I have been holding my breath for the prior two minutes. Sleep, on the other hand, has unexpectedly been coming around easier. I can only guess that the echoes inside my empty chest cavity make for something of a lullaby. Everything that has happened to me in the last two-three weeks has just been too overwhelming for words. Everyday I learn more and more about time. How fast it moves. How little of it I have. How little time I make for the small, handful of people who really care about me.
I'm sorry that lately I have been selfish, naive, and scared. I've expected far too much from myself. I've felt uneasy in my skin as though its squeezing my insides far too tightly, but I've been doing my damnedest to keep the control.
I guess my point is hard to explain. Some days I'm ridiculously proud of myself for who I'm becoming. I figure if I don't give myself credit who in the hell will. Then other days I feel so sad about where I am and where I seem to be going. I just want something new. I just want something that makes me feel alive. Is that just a bit too much?