I was wasting my time, for a love that never comes, from someone who does not exist

Your kind of love, baby, is poison in my veins;
flowing through my head,
through my heart,
through every hope i've had.
Every hope for change,
for happiness,
for truth.

You are poisoning me.
You are poisoning me.
You are poison to me.

my burning soul and the only one who satisfies it

I can rationalize the shit out of a paper bag. Anything and everything in my life. I can rationalize all the moves I make, as well as, all the moves I choose not to make. But you, and your absence from my life, is something that I cannot rationalize. It's something that I cannot find much reason for. The idea is ridiculous and borderline insane in my mind. It doesn't make sense to me. It doesn't feel right to me. You feel right to me, in a way that nothing else does. And I go from day to day alternating between wishing I had never met you to thanking some god I don't even believe in that I did. But none of it matters, because you are just a ghost in the hollows of all my dark mistakes. You are just a ghost. Everyday you are fading further into the abyss. Everyday you drift further out of my reach. Everyday the harsh reality of this cuts like a blade through my ventricles. And with all the blood loss, and the subsidence of the beating of my heart, running after your ghost has become nearly more than I can handle. Just know, it was always going to be you.

6 billion people OR who I'd reeeeally like to meet OR the science of selling myself short

The title possibilities for this one were seemingly endless. The content has been running through my mind, through my bones, for a week now. For some unknown reason I couldn't bring myself to write it out. Hell I still don't know if I'll be able to. Fuck it. I can't. Or i guess I can, but I'm going to choose not to. I'm going to choose not to put myself through the process of once again sifting through the list of traits that I will continuously settle for doing without. I'm not in some fairytale land. This is the real world. The real world is ignorant. The real world will never understand me when I speak to it. The real world will mistreat me. The real world will never know what it wants. The real world will never take responsibility for its actions. The real world will always be in the palms of my hands. My hands will always hand out chance after chance to the real world. Those very same hands will ultimately toss that world into the trash because if this is the real world and if this is all I have then I would much rather have nothing. I am not in it for some second rate happiness. I am not a settler. I am not a cop-out. I am stronger than most. I am not alone. My loneliness is something I choose for myself daily. I am admitting it, but it is only because it seems better than surrounding myself with such carelessness.

I need a cool shower.
I need a warm glass of tequila.
I need sufjan stevens' angelic voice.
I need apathy.

Its summertime and the living hasn’t gotten any easier

Lately, my heart is literally beating faster than I ever knew possible. And lately, bridges around me have been crashing faster and harder than I ever could have imagined. And me...I'm just standing by the wayside, my mixed feelings in tow, trying to catch my breath, while pleading with someone, anyone to assure me that all the choices I've made are right. That these are the choices that will lead me to my goals, to my happiness. I'm just trying to believe that the really good things aren't suppose to be easy to let go and also that just because something is good doesn't always make it the right thing. Here I go again, just trying to make any excuse, any rationalization to comfort myself. I want to believe that I'm right about everything that I do or have done, but the nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach right now is screaming that I've been very wrong on more than one occasion. I'm so tired of fucking shit up. I'm so tired of regret. I'm so tired of talking about all these goddamn changes and not doing anything about it.

You are what you love, not what loves you back

What I wouldn't give to make a quick, clean getaway right now...
I am far too weak to handle any of the things life has thrown at me lately.
I always want to just sleep right through all the tough parts and wake when things have settled.
For one of the few times in my life, I am admittedly being 100% selfish. I'm taking as much control as I can capture of this life because I'm fed up with it running me. I'm fed up with regrets. I'm fed up with these thoughts that keep me awake at night. I'm not trying to wake up from this dream. I'd much rather wake up to one.

I was blind before I met you

Tonight was a night that I never could have so much as dreamed up in my mind. Every minute or so I remind myself, "Lacie. Breathe. Lacie. Breathe. Seriously. You're going to have to breathe." Something that has basically been a part of my daily thoughts for the last year has been brought to the surface again. I've rehearsed things in my mind to say, all the while thinking I'd never get the chance to say even half of it. The words pushed their way through my quivering lips. My mind knowing those words would change very little. My heart hoping with everything it has that they would.

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. The only way out is by dynamite. The trigger is in your hands. Stop letting life happen to you. Take responsibility for your actions, your life, your happiness.
I love you.
I miss you.
Too much.

oh that gal can ramble

Today I came to realize that the ground beneath my tiny size 5 and a halves seems to have far greater of an impact on me than I can ever have on it...and I'm completely okay with this. Because if every place I walk continues to leave it's mark on me, and if even half of my dreams come true then I can't wait to see the person I'll become.
I'm constantly allowing for change, allowing for the things around me to shape who I am, who I'm becoming. The day I stop allowing for changes in myself will be the day I die. The problem is I'm such a mess it's hard to tell where to start. And I've continued to isolate myself lately. In my thoughts, in my adventures. The people who surround me just make me feel I'm better off with my fists clenched tightly, huddled low in the corner of my room waiting for the next sneak attack than out in the open with little to no armor to protect me from the constant flow of deceit-filled arrows plunging towards me.
I'm looking for something tangible. something true.
I'm looking to find out if this actually exists somewhere out there.
I need to know it exists.